Sure we all have reasons for why things happen. We're not always aware of them at the time but we do get a sense something is going on yet never put all the pieces together in time. And that's how it began with me.
I was fifty years old, feeling my years a bit but basically feeling healthy and well. I had a few extra pounds around the middle, losing some hair in the back of my head, (all that hard thinking right? LOL!) yet nothing out of the ordinary. Or so I thought. I was a computer consultant by day and a newspaper carrier by night. I worked for several clients locally and a few international ones. On call 24/7/365. In many ways I enjoyed the paper part because it was physical, met some great people and was doing 2 routes at the time because I'd gotten so efficient at it. If I was lucky I got about 5 hours of sleep a night usually on the couch because I was just too tired to move once I sat down.
Now the background in the 4 years leading up to this:
1) I lost my oldest brother to MS from Agent Orange in Vietnam.
2) Lost my Dad a few months later.
3) Lost my Mom a year after that.
4) Lost my job at a medical software company.
5) Got divorced from a lady who started out as my best friend who took our three kids with her.
She couldn't stand my long hours, being tired and rarely being able to do anything like enjoy a holiday without it being interrupted for work. I was also your classic nice guy who thought he was doing all the right things by letting her run things at home while I took care of funding the money, cars and homes.
So here I am at fifty in some ways feeling like 90 on an emotional level because of all the trauma that seemed to stalk everything I did. My first marriage went south for similar reasons and it took me several years to trust anyone enough to let them close again. When that one went south as well I figured I was just better off alone despite being lonely in that house with all the empty rooms. So I stayed as busy as I could to avoid thinking about it. Sure I read some books and made a few friends here and there but nothing to really get me over being stuck reliving all the mistakes and blunders I'd made.
One of the things that got to wondering if something was up was while carrying newspapers around an apartment complex my chest would start burning. Also I would start sweating and getting tired much easier instead of improving as I expected. This all surprised me as I had recently quit smoking, was taking better care with watching what I ate and taking some vitamins on a regular basis. At least something was beginning to click in the health awareness side of things but nothing concrete as yet. Then one night while I was trying to grab some sleep, I was restless because I just couldn't seem to find a comfortable position to sleep. Then it hit. Felt like my chest just collapsed on me. Sweating, cold clammy moisture all over. Hard to breathe. Didn't hurt so much right then but it did get there. Called 911 and they barely got me in to the catheter room in time. A huge clot blocking on of my main arteries.
They also ended up putting in 9 stents to open up other places in serious trouble. While they did however they found out my arteries were extremely weak and kept trying to split while attempting to put in the stents. After it was all over, they gave the rest of the news. By every medical measure they had I might be able to make it another 3 - 6 months without one of those arteries splitting and my bleeding out before anyone could do anything about it. It would be best if I went home, took care of all the things I needed to for what was coming. To say I felt depressed would be just scratching the surface.
Next post I'll get into more of that and how I changed it all to be where I am today...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
After the wheelchair ride to the front door...
...it felt good to be out of there. Now what? After a close call like that in a way I'm more afraid of what might happen than I ever thought I could be of anything. Sure I was scared in the hospital because of what just happened but as long as I was there it never really sank in. Let's face it. It's safe there because you're always being watched and monitored. If something happens you've got tons of people rushing in to take care of any problems you're having. You end up feeling torn between wanting to be home and wanting to be safe.
In the hospital you don't worry about every little twinge, cramp or ache being a sign of another one on it's way. If it was they'd be all over you right? But when you're home. When there's no more monitors. No more beeping that drives you crazy but reassures you at the same time. No more nurses taking blood, piss and checking your leads at all hours of the night. Ripping your hair, skin and playing hide and seek with your veins in an attempt to find a new place for your IV's. Oh but you're supposed to be getting lots of rest aren't you? A good nights sleep? Give me a break already! And that food! Please let's not go there. Their food has a rep for a reason and it's not to win any culinary awards.
But beyond all that you are now home. Finally. Trying to make sense of it all. Wondering at all the information, pills and advice you've been given. Trying to sort out what they said, what people tell you and wondering what those people mean when they give all that free advice. The ones who start in on what happened to Uncle Chester, Aunt Mary, their Dad, their granddad, etc. How they just went on and did fine. Just don't overdo it. Do this. Do that. Holy Cow! Can't you people see I'm trying to figure out how to just stop being afraid because my tit muscle twinged after being laid up for a week and my hearts going crazy thinking I'm having another one! Enough already!
Then there's the ones who think you should be out running marathons or something because you look so much better. And this way you get in shape which is just what the Dr. said right?
I mean here you are feeling like you just escaped death. Now you're feeling like you're living on borrowed time. And depending on how much work they had to do you can feel like a week old kitten and the Dr. wants you to walk thirty minutes a day. And the pills they give you make you feel even weaker because they slow down your heart, lower your blood pressure, make you bleed like stuck pig without stopping and give you headaches. This is living? Where is this magic energy to do all this supposed to come from to overcome all those side affects and live at least something like a normal life again?
That's what this blog is going to be all about and I'll keep posting here with all the info I've found out on my own journey through it all. Hopefully it'll make sense to you and get you to realizing there really is a life worth living out there. That while it may not be the same life it can be a VERY LONG happy, productive and healthy one.
You see this is not like you're in combat, a dangerous job or working on a high rise where the risk is high along with the danger. This is the helpless feeling of having no control over your situation, the circumstances or the outcome. Walking blind never knowing where the next pit is hidden much less being able to see it before you get there. You got caught by surprise this time. Who says it will be any different the next? I'm here to tell you there are things you can do. There are ways to move beyond them and not everything they told you at the hospital is true.
Are you ready?
In the hospital you don't worry about every little twinge, cramp or ache being a sign of another one on it's way. If it was they'd be all over you right? But when you're home. When there's no more monitors. No more beeping that drives you crazy but reassures you at the same time. No more nurses taking blood, piss and checking your leads at all hours of the night. Ripping your hair, skin and playing hide and seek with your veins in an attempt to find a new place for your IV's. Oh but you're supposed to be getting lots of rest aren't you? A good nights sleep? Give me a break already! And that food! Please let's not go there. Their food has a rep for a reason and it's not to win any culinary awards.
But beyond all that you are now home. Finally. Trying to make sense of it all. Wondering at all the information, pills and advice you've been given. Trying to sort out what they said, what people tell you and wondering what those people mean when they give all that free advice. The ones who start in on what happened to Uncle Chester, Aunt Mary, their Dad, their granddad, etc. How they just went on and did fine. Just don't overdo it. Do this. Do that. Holy Cow! Can't you people see I'm trying to figure out how to just stop being afraid because my tit muscle twinged after being laid up for a week and my hearts going crazy thinking I'm having another one! Enough already!
Then there's the ones who think you should be out running marathons or something because you look so much better. And this way you get in shape which is just what the Dr. said right?
I mean here you are feeling like you just escaped death. Now you're feeling like you're living on borrowed time. And depending on how much work they had to do you can feel like a week old kitten and the Dr. wants you to walk thirty minutes a day. And the pills they give you make you feel even weaker because they slow down your heart, lower your blood pressure, make you bleed like stuck pig without stopping and give you headaches. This is living? Where is this magic energy to do all this supposed to come from to overcome all those side affects and live at least something like a normal life again?
That's what this blog is going to be all about and I'll keep posting here with all the info I've found out on my own journey through it all. Hopefully it'll make sense to you and get you to realizing there really is a life worth living out there. That while it may not be the same life it can be a VERY LONG happy, productive and healthy one.
You see this is not like you're in combat, a dangerous job or working on a high rise where the risk is high along with the danger. This is the helpless feeling of having no control over your situation, the circumstances or the outcome. Walking blind never knowing where the next pit is hidden much less being able to see it before you get there. You got caught by surprise this time. Who says it will be any different the next? I'm here to tell you there are things you can do. There are ways to move beyond them and not everything they told you at the hospital is true.
Are you ready?
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