Dancing With Death for Sex

After thinking about this for a LONG time I decided this issue needs to be addressed for some serious reasons and more than a few practical ones. 

I mean let's face it, ED or Erectile Dysfunction drugs wouldn't be nearly so popular if there weren't some serious concerns on the part of men and at least a certain amount of pressure from their women. As much as you face the fear of what might happen if you go to far to fast after a heart attack other fears intrude all to soon about how it will affect your performance, staying power and overall desire to say the least. Being totally honest here while men may bluster and scoff at hints they're anything but the greatest lover ever born the fact is when you come face to face with the understanding too much stress on your heart after a heart attack could trigger another one if you aren't ready creates some serious fears to face.

Consider this:
1) What affect did any surgery, catheritization, stents, bypass, whatever have on your ability to even have an erection much less do so without serious issues of triggering the wrong result?
2) Will this improved blood flow to the heart mean less to your privates?
3) Will the drugs they give you after a heart attack impact your ability or desire to even have sex?
4) What's the long term result of being on those drugs if they do?
5) If you do need a little pill to help you along, what about all those side affects that are coming to the fore every day?
6) Will you have to learn new ways to have sex that your partner may balk at because they aren't what she's used to doing or may necessitate doing things in ways and positions she feels uncomfortable with?
7) Will you be able to satisfy her if you can't get or maintain an erection for very long as a result of those drugs meant to save your life, the side affects such as mood changes, depression and lack of energy that she may or may not believe? 
8) If you were having problems before the heart attack, what's the likely hood she will be willing to explore any of these options now when she knows as well she could trigger something and have to deal with the guilt she'll feel if she does?
9) If you fail to perform as well as you used to will she get frustrated and stop wanting to even bother trying?

And these are just some of the more obvious ones and anyone who thinks about this for very long will come up with many of their own. 

So just how do you dance with death in such a way as you can both enjoy the intimacy your relationship desires? And more importantly how do you do so without the fear you'll go to far to soon and risk it all and not only risk serious problems including death but if that does happen, how to do so in such a way as to not leave her with any doubts as to how to deal with it? One thing is clear and a must for anyone considering this issue. TALK TO HER!!! After you talk to your Dr. about your options and what's the best route to take, tell her what you found out. Explain in detail about his recommendations, the options he explains and the best road to explore until you get back to full speed. This eliminates a LOT of misunderstanding, guess work and frustration for both of you. Look it's win/win to go into as much detail as you can so she knows what to do, what to expect and how long it will take. 

In many ways this is a slow and steady dance with the lights low, soft music playing while you touch, feel and hold each other close. Every Dr. worth his salt will recommend walking and an exercise program to build your muscles including your heart back to peak condition. And when your heart gets back to peak condition guess what else does too? You'll actually have a good head start on improving your conditioning at this point because the lack of blood flow to crucial parts of your heart and body are clear now. They just need time to heal and exercise to gain back the fiber and strength they had before. It's been proven already you can recover heart muscle damage if it's done the right way. It's a combination of nutrition, vitamins, supplements and exercise that gets you back to performing at your best soonest. This is where it takes the courage to work through those fears and realize that while you suffered a serious heart problem, you didn't die and you now have the best reasons in the world to put that fear in it's place. 


There is no 100% safe place to be in life and this is no different. So yes you can have sex and leave the dancing with death to someone who chooses to be a couch potato and live their life cowering from fear while they pull fears' blanket firmly over their heads. Hey news flash! When you begin to exercise, walk and get close with your lover you will have small cramps, twinges, and soreness. THIS IS NORMAL!!! Don't be alarmed, worried or afraid of it. This is a sign your body is working, muscles moving and it's working exactly as it's supposed to. What's one of the problems runners, exercise addicts and work outs leave you with? Cramps, twitches and soreness! You expect it when you exercise yet somehow now it's a whole different ball game? NOT! Now don't get carried away too fast is true as well. You don't try to run a marathon the first time you work out. You build up to it with your goal firmly in your mind. You learn what to do about those cramps including how best to prevent them in the first place. The burn you felt from exercise that signaled muscles reaching their limit is not a sign you're going down for the count now. It's a sign your exercise is working nothing more. 


You're going to be exercising your mind at least as much if not more than your body now because the fears in your head will be playing all sorts of tricks on you. Don't go there. Sure you still need to pay attention and play it close at first but that soon goes away as you improve. And that goes for your dance with your lover. That slowness pays off now because you'll also be discovering new things for both of you that you were more than likely rushing through before. Now that's there a reason to slow down and explore so take advantage of it. Practice new places to touch, feel and slowly let your fingers do the walking along her skin. Notice I'm explaining this from a guys point of view because I am a one! However from the ladies I've talked to this works well for them as well. It's a perfect chance for him to slow down with her and her to explore other options with him they may not have considered before.


You see if you look at this from the point of view of how many limits you have on you you'll never move beyond them. But if you look at this as a chance to slow down and smell the roses as so many people love to quote at us, you'll be more than a little surprised by what you discover along the way. You'll find out it's not a dance with death at all but a dance with life and all it's promises you passed by all too quickly before. And yes you can begin with a dance by putting the kids to bed, turning the lights down low or lighting a scented candle or two, playing some easy jazz or romantic music and d-a-n-c-e...


It's that simple. That connection and contact with no risk whatsoever except being close to the one you love after so many fears, tears of potential loss and wondering what might happen will slowly seep out of your head, down through your body, flowing through your legs and out through your feet. That's right dance bare foot on the carpet. Let it all out filter out of you for this special moment you have right now and looking forward to the many more you'll have in the future. It becomes a dance of reassurance, hope and a renewal of your closeness without saying a word. Celebrate by savoring the moment right then. Smell her hair. Feel her shoulders, her back and her face with the slow trace of your hands and fingers. Look into her eyes as someone who almost lost you. You almost lost her. You're back together now and you're going to savor every moment as you're doing now. As those fears ease in both of you let your inner confidence come forward. Slowly. Surely. Steadily. 


You'll be glad you did. She'll be glad you did. And best of all so will your heart. This kind of beginning more than any other paves the way for the fastest and smoothest recovery for both of you because it wasn't just you that had the heart attack. The ones you love and are closest to suffered as well. The more you engage them from the beginning of your recovery the faster and easier it will be for all of you. So...

...leave death to dance alone and let your healing begin with a dance of victory and rediscovery with the ones you love.

Is It Safe?

Now that's an open ended question isn't it? In the context of life after a heart attack much of what you do on a daily basis becomes a question of safety. Not from a desire to turn into a wimp or an ostrich hiding from life but in an often fear guided approach to living that generates it's own multitude of problems. 

Like life in general boiled down to a thick stew of fear and avoidance the desire to live becomes one of judging the safety of each and every action for it's inherent risks. All the joys and promises life contains that you believed from your youth vanishes as you face the very real prospect your next action may trigger a repeat and the next one could be your last. Certainly the optimal view is to look at what happened as a wake up call. Change the things that need changing. Begin anew with a promise you can still live that happy life with all the promises and dreams you had when youth's vigor, optimism and passion put the world at your feet. A good Dr. will emphasize precisely that no matter how much damage has been done or extensive the surgery needed to get you through this time.

Sounds great and gives you hope. Then you go home and the safety net is gone. The pep talks and optimism surrounding and encouraging you at all times goes away. Fear begins to eat at you. The medications that you are supposed to trust to help and save you begin to rear their ugly side. The side affects can take that new attitude and grind it down to dust in a matter of days or weeks. 

Here's what happened to me that did exactly that. You see I'm one of those who reacts in a very negative way to statins. My muscles hurt and ached more all the time. They began to deteriorate. No amount of exercise helped as it all seemed to go for naught. Depression stalked me at every turn. Suicidal thoughts began to dangle their ugly lures at every turn. I began to have migraines from the blood thinner/clot stopper that's so much in the news. The beta blocking pills made me feel like I had no energy or moving through mud sucking all the passion and energy from morning til night. Sleep became a safe haven. Being awake a nightmare. 

Sure they put me on many different varieties, tried all sorts of alternatives yet each time I ended up at the hospital emergency room on a 6 - 9 month routine of close calls that made life seem empty and futile.  This is what the promise of change and a chance to start over really means? If so then what's the point? What's my incentive to keep going if it's nothing more than feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life and the constant fear if I don't put up with it I'm doomed to have a repeat heart attack and die at any moment? Is this my life for whatever time remains? Each visit to the Dr.'s office a repeat of the importance of continuing and the dangers in an attempt to scare me to keep trusting them because living is preferable to death. By this time it began to seem the alternative was actually much more promising because at least the pain, fear and constant dread that stalked my steps would be over. 

In my case what made it even worse was the knowledge that while they fixed things this time it may not be a heart attack that gets me at all. You see when they went in to get rid of the clot, put in all the stents what they found was they couldn't open them up as far as they wanted to because my arteries would start to split and they would have to stop. The very real danger I faced was that under too strenuous of circumstances one or more of them could split or rupture and I would bleed out before any ambulance could get there. If I was in the emergency room and one ruptured, even if they rushed me to the operating table, I would still be gone because they could never get inside fast enough. Literally every step I took, every walk for exercise, lifting something, exercise too much or heaven forbid, attempt to have sex carried with it the in your face risk of dying from one moment to the next. 

Breaking a sweat became a personal dare with death. 

Yet here I am. How did I overcome all that? How did I stop fearing for my safety and start living life again? My fear for my life and safety mirrors any life lived for it's safety value instead of facing the risk of doing something about it. Being safe may seem practical at the time but only in risk and action is fear overcome and courage discovered. As so many have said courage is not the absence of fear but acting in spite of fear. Sure we have many reasons and excuses that appear to justify why we don't act. That appear to validate our lack of action. That keep the comfort and safety we want by spreading it around to those around us and how much it would affect them if we didn't. For me my kids and family figured largely in why I put up with it for so long. In fact I later found out if I had done more sooner the better ALL of us would have been. The very fact I chose to be safe, chose to allow fear to overshadow my decisions no matter how justified they appeared in fact undermined and sabotaged much of my and their lives in the process. 

Next time I'll begin with the steps I finally began to take because I refused to live like that any more. Because I feared more not doing something to change it than putting up with what I was assured and promised was the safest and only way to live another day. Even though that day was one of dread and not dreams.