A Picture is Worth...

your sanity.

You may recognize this as "Cottages at CordeVille" by Vincent Van Gogh but not many do. This has long been considered one of his most striking and powerful paintings by those who claim to know. What I find more important is many who don't "know" but rather insist if you take the time to "see" what the picture is saying you'll realize just how powerful it can be. 

Not understood by many is the fact this was his first work after a stint in the looney bin. Please don't go all PC on me here. I'm referring to what passed for mental health treatment at a time where all the patients were systematically thrown in together and experimented on. It was only if you had the resources to afford a private room and Dr. it did any good at all. A stint he was glad to take as many of his problems had overwhelmed him and on the urging of many of his friends he did so. He left the asylum, settled here and was so overcome at it's charm and beauty, put oil to canvas and breathed life to it. You see what looks like a childs picture in crayon is really a living expression of the movement of life, nature, wind, structures and hills. This is not a case of life encapsulated in a frame but rather a celebration of it's eternal change, growth and LIVING!!!

This struck me as once again I found an interesting email in my "You've Got Mail!" box yesterday. It pointed out how our bodies hormones are affected much greater than thought by how we react to things that happen to us. What you may not know is estrogen is made by testosterone in both men and women. What I didn't know is that when you trigger your fight/flight instincts how you react to that will send your testosterone levels sinking or rising. If you tend to want to retreat into your shell, hide, avoid or otherwise side step dealing with a crucial issue or circumstance your body says "Okay! Testosterone - go to sleep for awhile. Estrogen you too." Now think about that for a minute. Testosterone is not just for men being aggressive stalkers looking for victims to challenge. Most important is the rush of insight, heightened brain activity looking for clues and answers to those clues. Directing actions to be taken to resolve them in the best way possible is what testosterone signals to your whole body. It's aggressiveness is used all throughout our bodies to focus, guide and strengthen wherever it's necessary.  In other words by facing it and wanting to deal with it in the moment you tell your body, your hormones and your brain to stop fooling around and get cracking!And guess what? It really does just that!

When you choose to hide, retreat to your shell, or otherwise try to in essence run from facing or dealing with that confrontation you are telling your hormones to retreat, your brain to stop working and your adrenaline to find you some place to run and hide until the storm has passed. The longer you remain is a "safe" place the more your body stunts your capacity to find ways to deal with it, learn from it or much less do something to make it stop. And that's why it's so crucial you deal with all those fears you face after a heart attack for what they are. In your fear of it happening again you are telling your body in the only way it knows how to find a way to make it happen and to use all it's resources in extremis to do so. In effect you are using your emergency ration of adrenal glands, adrenaline and muscle stores to bring about the very thing you fear the most! The tools that stress your body the most you're using to try and recover. Not happening!


However once you face those fears, accept you have them and begin to explore ways to put them to rest all those emergency stressors relax, your hormones come back to the fore and your brain begins to function once more at it's fullest potential. Now let me make one thing clear here. It's not that victims of a heart attack are the only ones subject to this. In fact over the last few years the studies have focused on what it is that keeps shy people shy. What makes social anxiety so intense and so hard to overcome? What they found was shy or introverted people have less testosterone than anyone else. It's that their chosen behavior restricts it's flow and use. When they learn to overcome and conquer the limitations they have put on themselves those hormones come bubbling up as strong and useful as it does for any one else. And since those hormones have in a sense been on hold for so long it can also be a magical discovery once their body and mind begin to function as it was intended. Each step they take, each choice they make, each action on those choices and each continued building on those steps they insure it will continue. 


For those of us with a heart attack in our past that means each step we take forward to move beyond those fears and do the exercises, change the diet and learn new ways to approach our lives will flush the stressors and contaniments from our bodies and allow the healthy ones intended to heal, recover and build to come forth at full strength. When they tell you your way of thinking affects your body they had clues but didn't know in what specific ways it occurred. Many  of their guesses have been confirmed in every single study done in the last 20 years. They are digging deeper and finding more answers all the time as to the actual mechanics involved. The choice is left to us however. Do we carry the seeds of our destruction around not in the risky behaviors like jumping off a cliff entails or drinking ourselves into insensibility but rather in the choice to seek the safest place to be every moment? Then there's the constant barrage of information and events that tell us we're doing the right thing by being careful, being smart, etc. that puts us in more danger than if we just stood up, faced it and walked the walk. 


You see the more aggressive you are at seeking answers and solutions the more your body responds by generating the tools it needs to succeed. To build your inner and outer strength for more, longer and in a lasting way than anyone believed possible. However the more you accept the excuse this is the time to take it slow, check out alternatives, investigate all the different options and weight them carefully the more you risk a return visit to the emergency room if not the funeral home. And all that happens just by doing everything you can to stay in your comfort zone. Making excuses like I'm not ready, I can't do that yet, or I'm not strong enough simply signals your body to slow down, put your mind and hormones on idle because there's nothing happening here anytime soon. Trust me I know this place VERY WELL and it took me enormous amounts of energy to dig myself out. Far more than if I had just dealt with them one at a time as I conquered one and moved to the next.


I faced being unable to do some jobs I loved because of the literal dangers they entailed. However the more aggressive I was in seeking out other challenges, jobs I didn't like but got me out, moving, doing and meeting people made me feel better. And I'm not just talking about feeling better physically. I mean my mind was clearer, I started picking up on things I hadn't before and developing a great curiosity about other places and ways doing this job gave me freedom to explore. And that's where things finally started coming together. Each step taken made it easier to take the next. But first I had to take that one step.And then to be thrust into a position where I was dealing face to face with 300 to 400 people a day many of whom are complete strangers, this is not what an original wall flower and shy person par excellence describes as his optimum choice. However I did learn to overcome many anxieties and fears by doing so. The confidence I feel to walk up and talk to anyone at anytime used to amaze me before. However it's gotten to be so second nature now I hardly think about it all.


So what is it that's holding you back? If you keep saying you don't know what to do, don't like the people there or are embarrassed about how you look, your limitations, your self image, whatever, you'll never know what you're missing. If you worry about what the neighbors will think if they see you walking around the neighbor hood for the first time since they moved there, so what? Isn't that the perfect excuse to say "HI!"? Introduce yourself. Meet them and get to know who THEY are. And you know what? All of a sudden they aren't strangers anymore but friends. Friends with a warm welcome and hello when they see you. Friends willing to get to know you and maybe drop by for a visit. Sure there's the curmudgeons on every street and every apartment building. Now you know who they are and will often provide funny stories to talk about with your new friends as you compare notes. And isn't that a lot better than being alone amidst so many?

Look we all know how easy it is to fall into the trap of playing catch up for every good and proper reason in the world. When you play with your hobbies to bide your time until the "right" moment, opportunity or challenge comes along, you'll continue to live a stunted existence. Sure it's far easier and more fun to work on building that layout for your model train you've been putting off. Working on refinishing the furniture. Painting the rooms and redoing the floors the way you've wanted. Catching up on some classes you've been meaning to take. These are all valid in their own way. But your body and your mind know the truth. They are excuses for not living your life. For not taking that risk being out there and active can mean.


Does a baby know more about living than you do? At least when a baby is learning to walk and falls down, no matter how much it scares and hurts them, they get back up and try it until they succeed. Why? Because life over there looks like it would be a lot more fun than here. How do I get there the fastest when I want to go? All those giants around me do that upright thing. Why can't I do that? This knees and hands stuff is getting old because once I get there I have to stop, see if I like it there and if I don't I've got to start all over at the next spot. How annoying. But if I do that upright thing I can get over there, investigate and move on without all that extra up and down stuff. Works for me! Now how do I figure this out?


So how does that apply after a heart attack? Stop crawling everywhere and start walking. Just because you fell down, got hurt and now you're afraid it might happen again doesn't mean you can't. Like my Doctor said "How well and how much you do after this is up to you. The more you do, the more you exercise and the more you get out, the faster your recovery, the stronger you'll be and you can be in better shape overall than you've been in a very long time."


Yes sir, one step at a time but I will make one step every day. Something that I can sit down that night and say this is what I did to move forward today. This is the step I took today that's going to get me out of where I am now and moving forward to where I want to go. Yes I'm scared. Yes I'm moving in unknown territory. Yes this is new to me. But you know what? I did something today that's going to change that. No one can hold me back and that includes me!


Like Van Gogh I'm going to enjoy that flow of life in every part of my being. The power, the joy and sheer fun of it's constant discovery will be mine!

When Life Slaps Your Face

One thing that often waits until all the visitors have gone home, the relatives said their piece and friends finally give you some time to relax is you're left to reconsider your plans if something happens to you. 

Tune out if you want but the truth is if you haven't set plans in motion by now you need to get with it fast. See I've been married twice and had a few long term relationships here and there and in everyone I heeded the advice my Dad gave me. He along with many others I would meet later always made it a point of making sure your wife or significant other had their own bank accounts, cards, retirement plans and a good will in place. I've seen the evidence in my own life, my parents and many relatives and friends. Taking care of this is crucial to insuring as easy a transition as possible if something happens to you. As my Dad used to say it's just good horse sense. 


Every time this was not done the problems and endless legal battles created many more frustrations, bad feelings and sundered many friends and families at a time they should have other issues on their minds. I remember well a distant relative passed away and a left a little over 6 figures estate but no will. The state ended up taking over and it took almost 2 years for all the legal wrangling, protests and filings to get over with before it was finally settled. Then another 6 months for everyone to be notified of the final decision and breakdown. Then 3 more for everyone to get their checks no matter how small they were.


Imagine your family and loved ones having to go through all that because you delayed taking care of what you know to be just common horse sense. You see I learned much of this at my fathers knee because he refused to believe anyone couldn't take care of their own finances if they just had some basic understanding about budgets, finances and long term planning. You see we moved here from Indiana because he could no longer farm. He got rheumatoid arthritis that left that 6' 220lb muscle farm boy in a wheel chair and him weighing 85lbs. I've seen his private record books from when he farmed and he noted every single expense, money made, bank deposits and loan. Including his 10 cents for an occasional pack of cigarettes. It wasn't like a ledger but rather simple notes about what he planted when, what needed to be done, visits of family or friends, etc. 


However when we got here my mom had to go to work and support us three kids and a wheel chair and bed ridden husband. Luckily she had trained for and received an RN license which she got approval to make good in Arizona. She went to work while friends and neighbors made sure us kids got fed, went to school and my dad was taken care of. My dad did slowly get better and later left the wheel chair behind. At first crutches and a cane but even those he could ignore on most occasions. His progress was remarkable for being told he wouldn't last 6 months if he didn't leave Indiana and his love of farming behind. So they had an auction, packed up the Chevy with 3 kids in tow and moved to Arizona.


You see we had no choice but to watch every single penny and account for every expense no matter how small. As soon as we were able we kids worked mowing lawns, turning in milk and soda bottles for the deposit, pulling weeds, whatever it took to help make ends meet. I got my first new pair of pants of my own when I went to school in 6th grade. All of us had our own savings accounts and we were allowed to spend a little of the money we earned for an ice cream or candy once a week, some went to savings and the rest to help the family. When I got my new pants I lobbied for and used some of my savings to contribute half the cost for my first new pair of shoes. A pair of Keds sneakers. 


I never did learn all the importance of what he was demonstrating to us until much later when I began a family of my own only to make some really dumb mistakes as a result. However I did learn and began to put in place all the ideas and concepts I'd seen first hand. That was what led to many of the reasons for my first divorce because I was trying to turn things around and she wanted to spend like we used to and it went down hill from there. 


Look I could give all sorts of examples here but the bottom line is to take the time right now this minute to figure out what you need to do so it doesn't bite you in the butt later. It's not enough to plan to do something about it you have to start doing something about it. Planning is not action. It's supposed to be a short prelude to getting to work not months and years of excuses for your delay. Believe me. Knowing my ex wife and kids were taken care of when I had my heart attack and things would be handled without problems made it much easier and whole lot of additional fears side tracked. You can't start too soon if you haven't already. If you haven't and you've had plenty of time to do something about it what's you're problem? 


If you love yourself, your kids, your family, and any of those closest to you, why are you tempting fate by endless planning, delaying or putting it off? All you do is risk making it worse if something does happen. Your kids aren't getting any younger so how long will you delay their first hand education? What example will they learn from YOU if they see you make excuses, delay and endlessly gather information instead of taking action to do something about it? What message do you send yourself when you constantly excuse your delay? Are you worth it? Are they worth it? 


No more excuses. Learn from my and many others examples and do something about it now.

Dancing With Death for Sex

After thinking about this for a LONG time I decided this issue needs to be addressed for some serious reasons and more than a few practical ones. 

I mean let's face it, ED or Erectile Dysfunction drugs wouldn't be nearly so popular if there weren't some serious concerns on the part of men and at least a certain amount of pressure from their women. As much as you face the fear of what might happen if you go to far to fast after a heart attack other fears intrude all to soon about how it will affect your performance, staying power and overall desire to say the least. Being totally honest here while men may bluster and scoff at hints they're anything but the greatest lover ever born the fact is when you come face to face with the understanding too much stress on your heart after a heart attack could trigger another one if you aren't ready creates some serious fears to face.

Consider this:
1) What affect did any surgery, catheritization, stents, bypass, whatever have on your ability to even have an erection much less do so without serious issues of triggering the wrong result?
2) Will this improved blood flow to the heart mean less to your privates?
3) Will the drugs they give you after a heart attack impact your ability or desire to even have sex?
4) What's the long term result of being on those drugs if they do?
5) If you do need a little pill to help you along, what about all those side affects that are coming to the fore every day?
6) Will you have to learn new ways to have sex that your partner may balk at because they aren't what she's used to doing or may necessitate doing things in ways and positions she feels uncomfortable with?
7) Will you be able to satisfy her if you can't get or maintain an erection for very long as a result of those drugs meant to save your life, the side affects such as mood changes, depression and lack of energy that she may or may not believe? 
8) If you were having problems before the heart attack, what's the likely hood she will be willing to explore any of these options now when she knows as well she could trigger something and have to deal with the guilt she'll feel if she does?
9) If you fail to perform as well as you used to will she get frustrated and stop wanting to even bother trying?

And these are just some of the more obvious ones and anyone who thinks about this for very long will come up with many of their own. 

So just how do you dance with death in such a way as you can both enjoy the intimacy your relationship desires? And more importantly how do you do so without the fear you'll go to far to soon and risk it all and not only risk serious problems including death but if that does happen, how to do so in such a way as to not leave her with any doubts as to how to deal with it? One thing is clear and a must for anyone considering this issue. TALK TO HER!!! After you talk to your Dr. about your options and what's the best route to take, tell her what you found out. Explain in detail about his recommendations, the options he explains and the best road to explore until you get back to full speed. This eliminates a LOT of misunderstanding, guess work and frustration for both of you. Look it's win/win to go into as much detail as you can so she knows what to do, what to expect and how long it will take. 

In many ways this is a slow and steady dance with the lights low, soft music playing while you touch, feel and hold each other close. Every Dr. worth his salt will recommend walking and an exercise program to build your muscles including your heart back to peak condition. And when your heart gets back to peak condition guess what else does too? You'll actually have a good head start on improving your conditioning at this point because the lack of blood flow to crucial parts of your heart and body are clear now. They just need time to heal and exercise to gain back the fiber and strength they had before. It's been proven already you can recover heart muscle damage if it's done the right way. It's a combination of nutrition, vitamins, supplements and exercise that gets you back to performing at your best soonest. This is where it takes the courage to work through those fears and realize that while you suffered a serious heart problem, you didn't die and you now have the best reasons in the world to put that fear in it's place. 


There is no 100% safe place to be in life and this is no different. So yes you can have sex and leave the dancing with death to someone who chooses to be a couch potato and live their life cowering from fear while they pull fears' blanket firmly over their heads. Hey news flash! When you begin to exercise, walk and get close with your lover you will have small cramps, twinges, and soreness. THIS IS NORMAL!!! Don't be alarmed, worried or afraid of it. This is a sign your body is working, muscles moving and it's working exactly as it's supposed to. What's one of the problems runners, exercise addicts and work outs leave you with? Cramps, twitches and soreness! You expect it when you exercise yet somehow now it's a whole different ball game? NOT! Now don't get carried away too fast is true as well. You don't try to run a marathon the first time you work out. You build up to it with your goal firmly in your mind. You learn what to do about those cramps including how best to prevent them in the first place. The burn you felt from exercise that signaled muscles reaching their limit is not a sign you're going down for the count now. It's a sign your exercise is working nothing more. 


You're going to be exercising your mind at least as much if not more than your body now because the fears in your head will be playing all sorts of tricks on you. Don't go there. Sure you still need to pay attention and play it close at first but that soon goes away as you improve. And that goes for your dance with your lover. That slowness pays off now because you'll also be discovering new things for both of you that you were more than likely rushing through before. Now that's there a reason to slow down and explore so take advantage of it. Practice new places to touch, feel and slowly let your fingers do the walking along her skin. Notice I'm explaining this from a guys point of view because I am a one! However from the ladies I've talked to this works well for them as well. It's a perfect chance for him to slow down with her and her to explore other options with him they may not have considered before.


You see if you look at this from the point of view of how many limits you have on you you'll never move beyond them. But if you look at this as a chance to slow down and smell the roses as so many people love to quote at us, you'll be more than a little surprised by what you discover along the way. You'll find out it's not a dance with death at all but a dance with life and all it's promises you passed by all too quickly before. And yes you can begin with a dance by putting the kids to bed, turning the lights down low or lighting a scented candle or two, playing some easy jazz or romantic music and d-a-n-c-e...


It's that simple. That connection and contact with no risk whatsoever except being close to the one you love after so many fears, tears of potential loss and wondering what might happen will slowly seep out of your head, down through your body, flowing through your legs and out through your feet. That's right dance bare foot on the carpet. Let it all out filter out of you for this special moment you have right now and looking forward to the many more you'll have in the future. It becomes a dance of reassurance, hope and a renewal of your closeness without saying a word. Celebrate by savoring the moment right then. Smell her hair. Feel her shoulders, her back and her face with the slow trace of your hands and fingers. Look into her eyes as someone who almost lost you. You almost lost her. You're back together now and you're going to savor every moment as you're doing now. As those fears ease in both of you let your inner confidence come forward. Slowly. Surely. Steadily. 


You'll be glad you did. She'll be glad you did. And best of all so will your heart. This kind of beginning more than any other paves the way for the fastest and smoothest recovery for both of you because it wasn't just you that had the heart attack. The ones you love and are closest to suffered as well. The more you engage them from the beginning of your recovery the faster and easier it will be for all of you. So...

...leave death to dance alone and let your healing begin with a dance of victory and rediscovery with the ones you love.

Is It Safe?

Now that's an open ended question isn't it? In the context of life after a heart attack much of what you do on a daily basis becomes a question of safety. Not from a desire to turn into a wimp or an ostrich hiding from life but in an often fear guided approach to living that generates it's own multitude of problems. 

Like life in general boiled down to a thick stew of fear and avoidance the desire to live becomes one of judging the safety of each and every action for it's inherent risks. All the joys and promises life contains that you believed from your youth vanishes as you face the very real prospect your next action may trigger a repeat and the next one could be your last. Certainly the optimal view is to look at what happened as a wake up call. Change the things that need changing. Begin anew with a promise you can still live that happy life with all the promises and dreams you had when youth's vigor, optimism and passion put the world at your feet. A good Dr. will emphasize precisely that no matter how much damage has been done or extensive the surgery needed to get you through this time.

Sounds great and gives you hope. Then you go home and the safety net is gone. The pep talks and optimism surrounding and encouraging you at all times goes away. Fear begins to eat at you. The medications that you are supposed to trust to help and save you begin to rear their ugly side. The side affects can take that new attitude and grind it down to dust in a matter of days or weeks. 

Here's what happened to me that did exactly that. You see I'm one of those who reacts in a very negative way to statins. My muscles hurt and ached more all the time. They began to deteriorate. No amount of exercise helped as it all seemed to go for naught. Depression stalked me at every turn. Suicidal thoughts began to dangle their ugly lures at every turn. I began to have migraines from the blood thinner/clot stopper that's so much in the news. The beta blocking pills made me feel like I had no energy or moving through mud sucking all the passion and energy from morning til night. Sleep became a safe haven. Being awake a nightmare. 

Sure they put me on many different varieties, tried all sorts of alternatives yet each time I ended up at the hospital emergency room on a 6 - 9 month routine of close calls that made life seem empty and futile.  This is what the promise of change and a chance to start over really means? If so then what's the point? What's my incentive to keep going if it's nothing more than feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life and the constant fear if I don't put up with it I'm doomed to have a repeat heart attack and die at any moment? Is this my life for whatever time remains? Each visit to the Dr.'s office a repeat of the importance of continuing and the dangers in an attempt to scare me to keep trusting them because living is preferable to death. By this time it began to seem the alternative was actually much more promising because at least the pain, fear and constant dread that stalked my steps would be over. 

In my case what made it even worse was the knowledge that while they fixed things this time it may not be a heart attack that gets me at all. You see when they went in to get rid of the clot, put in all the stents what they found was they couldn't open them up as far as they wanted to because my arteries would start to split and they would have to stop. The very real danger I faced was that under too strenuous of circumstances one or more of them could split or rupture and I would bleed out before any ambulance could get there. If I was in the emergency room and one ruptured, even if they rushed me to the operating table, I would still be gone because they could never get inside fast enough. Literally every step I took, every walk for exercise, lifting something, exercise too much or heaven forbid, attempt to have sex carried with it the in your face risk of dying from one moment to the next. 

Breaking a sweat became a personal dare with death. 

Yet here I am. How did I overcome all that? How did I stop fearing for my safety and start living life again? My fear for my life and safety mirrors any life lived for it's safety value instead of facing the risk of doing something about it. Being safe may seem practical at the time but only in risk and action is fear overcome and courage discovered. As so many have said courage is not the absence of fear but acting in spite of fear. Sure we have many reasons and excuses that appear to justify why we don't act. That appear to validate our lack of action. That keep the comfort and safety we want by spreading it around to those around us and how much it would affect them if we didn't. For me my kids and family figured largely in why I put up with it for so long. In fact I later found out if I had done more sooner the better ALL of us would have been. The very fact I chose to be safe, chose to allow fear to overshadow my decisions no matter how justified they appeared in fact undermined and sabotaged much of my and their lives in the process. 

Next time I'll begin with the steps I finally began to take because I refused to live like that any more. Because I feared more not doing something to change it than putting up with what I was assured and promised was the safest and only way to live another day. Even though that day was one of dread and not dreams.

How It All Started

Sure we all have reasons for why things happen. We're not always aware of them at the time but we do get a sense something is going on yet never put all the pieces together in time. And that's how it began with me.

I was fifty years old, feeling my years a bit but basically feeling healthy and well. I had a few extra pounds around the middle, losing some hair in the back of my head, (all that hard thinking right? LOL!) yet nothing out of the ordinary. Or so I thought. I was a computer consultant by day and a newspaper carrier by night. I worked for several clients locally and a few international ones. On call 24/7/365. In many ways I enjoyed the paper part because it was physical, met some great people and was doing 2 routes at the time because I'd gotten so efficient at it. If I was lucky I got about 5 hours of sleep a night usually on the couch because I was just too tired to move once I sat down.

Now the background in the 4 years leading up to this:
1) I lost my oldest brother to MS from Agent Orange in Vietnam.
2) Lost my Dad a few months later.
3) Lost my Mom a year after that.
4) Lost my job at a medical software company.
5) Got divorced from a lady who started out as my best friend who took our three kids with her.
She couldn't stand my long hours, being tired and rarely being able to do anything like enjoy a holiday without it being interrupted for work. I was also your classic nice guy who thought he was doing all the right things by letting her run things at home while I took care of funding the money, cars and homes.

So here I am at fifty in some ways feeling like 90 on an emotional level because of all the trauma that seemed to stalk everything I did. My first marriage went south for similar reasons and it took me several years to trust anyone enough to let them close again. When that one went south as well I figured I was just better off alone despite being lonely in that house with all the empty rooms. So I stayed as busy as I could to avoid thinking about it. Sure I read some books and made a few friends here and there but nothing to really get me over being stuck reliving all the mistakes and blunders I'd made. 

One of the things that got to wondering if something was up was while carrying newspapers around an apartment complex my chest would start burning. Also I would start sweating and getting tired much easier instead of improving as I expected. This all surprised me as I had recently quit smoking, was taking better care with watching what I ate and taking some vitamins on a regular basis. At least something was beginning to click in the health awareness side of things but nothing concrete as yet. Then one night while I was trying to grab some sleep, I was restless because I just couldn't seem to find a comfortable position to sleep. Then it hit. Felt like my chest just collapsed on me. Sweating, cold clammy moisture all over. Hard to breathe. Didn't hurt so much right then but it did get there. Called 911 and they barely got me in to the catheter room in time. A huge clot blocking on of my main arteries. 

They also ended up putting in 9 stents to open up other places in serious trouble. While they did however they found out my arteries were extremely weak and kept trying to split while attempting to put in the stents. After it was all over, they gave the rest of the news. By every medical measure they had I might be able to make it another 3 - 6 months without one of those arteries splitting and my bleeding out before anyone could do anything about it. It would be best if I went home, took care of all the things I needed to for what was coming. To say I felt depressed would be just scratching the surface. 

Next post I'll get into more of that and how I changed it all to be where I am today...

After the wheelchair ride to the front door...

...it felt good to be out of there. Now what? After a close call like that in a way I'm more afraid of what might happen than I ever thought I could be of anything. Sure I was scared in the hospital because of what just happened but as long as I was there it never really sank in. Let's face it. It's safe there because you're always being watched and monitored. If something happens you've got tons of people rushing in to take care of any problems you're having. You end up feeling torn between wanting to be home and wanting to be safe.

In the hospital you don't worry about every little twinge, cramp or ache being a sign of another one on it's way. If it was they'd be all over you right? But when you're home. When there's no more monitors. No more beeping that drives you crazy but reassures you at the same time. No more nurses taking blood, piss and checking your leads at all hours of the night. Ripping your hair, skin and playing hide and seek with your veins in an attempt to find a new place for your IV's. Oh but you're supposed to be getting lots of rest aren't you? A good nights sleep? Give me a break already! And that food! Please let's not go there. Their food has a rep for a reason and it's not to win any culinary awards.


But beyond all that you are now home. Finally. Trying to make sense of it all. Wondering at all the information, pills and advice you've been given. Trying to sort out what they said, what people tell you and wondering what those people mean when they give all that free advice. The ones who start in on what happened to Uncle Chester, Aunt Mary, their Dad, their granddad, etc. How they just went on and did fine. Just don't overdo it. Do this. Do that. Holy Cow! Can't you people see I'm trying to figure out how to just stop being afraid because my tit muscle twinged after being laid up for a week and my hearts going crazy thinking I'm having another one! Enough already! 

Then there's the ones who think you should be out running marathons or something because you look so much better. And this way you get in shape which is just what the Dr. said right? 

I mean here you are feeling like you just escaped death. Now you're feeling like you're living on borrowed time. And depending on how much work they had to do you can feel like a week old kitten and the Dr. wants you to walk thirty minutes a day. And the pills they give you make you feel even weaker because they slow down your heart, lower your blood pressure, make you bleed like stuck pig without stopping and give you headaches. This is living? Where is this magic energy to do all this supposed to come from to overcome all those side affects and live at least something like a normal life again? 

That's what this blog is going to be all about and I'll keep posting here with all the info I've found out on my own journey through it all. Hopefully it'll make sense to you and get you to realizing there really is a life worth living out there. That while it may not be the same life it can be a VERY LONG happy, productive and healthy one. 

You see this is not like you're in combat, a dangerous job or working on a high rise where the risk is high along with the danger. This is the helpless feeling of having no control over your situation, the circumstances or the outcome. Walking blind never knowing where the next pit is hidden much less being able to see it before you get there. You got caught by surprise this time. Who says it will be any different the next? I'm here to tell you there are things you can do. There are ways to move beyond them and not everything they told you at the hospital is true. 

Are you ready?